Remember Things?

Hey guys, remember things?

Tonight I was thinking about the Matrix, which came out 11 years ago last week. How crazy is that? Anyway, there's that whole bit about "There is no spoon," and as I recall, everyone used to say that like all the time.

That was totally a thing!

But now it's 11 years later, and they decided to release two shitty sequels within 6 months of each other in 2003, so those late 90's glory days where they reinvented special effects are all but a distant memory. It's a tragedy really. You can't just say "The Matrix is a really good movie" without adding "I mean the first one."

It's kind of like Star Wars, but it's better in some ways, and worse in others. It's worse because Star Wars had 20 years to be the biggest thing to happen to movies ever before George Lucas made Phantom Menace and started that whole thing. Remember when the worst thing about Star Wars was the Ewoks, and they weren't really all that bad?

That was totally a thing, too!

But Star Wars had become a cultural thing, part of our shared history (maybe I'm only looking at this as a young, male nerd, but whatever). There was no way a few crappy movies could take down the original trilogy. The Matrix didn't have those 20 unblemished years, it only had 4.

But because Star Wars was such a powerhouse of awesome and was a testament to George Lucas' vision and talent, it made his fall from grace that much worse. Howard the Duck could be written of as a folly of the 80s. But we met Jar Jar Binks who brought fart jokes to Star Wars. Christ, George, why don't we just edit Casablanca so Rick gets a bad case of gas at the airport? Talk about amounting to a hill of beans.

And along with the prequels came the changes to the original. That was the worst. Hayden Christensen is now the face of Darth Vader after he dies? Sooo... he doesn't redeem himself and the last time he was a good person was before all that shit in Revenge of the Sith?

So here we are. Thirty-seven years after American Graffiti when Lucas hit the Hollywood scene ready to show the world he was capable of contributing. Thirty-three years after he changed the world with Star Wars, revolutionizing the way they make movies and inspiring filmmakers for decades. And twenty-nine years after teaming up with Spielberg and introducing us to Indiana Jones, easily one of the coolest heroes of all time. And where are we?

He's making an animated Star Wars comedy series with Seth Green. Idiot child, will not stop churning out the same jokes under a different name Seth Green. It's going to be Robot Chicken with Alec Guinness action figures. And we're going to have to watch it because it's Star Wars, and we can't not watch Star Wars.

Remember when the worst thing he ever did was have Greedo shoot first?

I miss that thing.

Blame Dan Brown

It’s no secret that the coolness of various genres tends to ebb and flow. Currently, we’re riding a long wave of superhero flicks, but if you’ll recall the late 90’s, disaster movies were all the rage. The popularity of a category of entertainment usually begins with a breakout hit, and then proceeds along a path of sequels and copycats. The question I’ve been asking lately is, what has lead to the recent wave of pseudo-religious action movies and videogames?

What’s that? You didn’t notice the wave? Neither did I, at first. What I’m specifically referring to is the idea in entertainment lately that angels and other holy beings are bad ass brawlers with a sword in one hand and a sub machine gun in the other. The most high profile offering from this lineup is probably the flop-tacular “Legion”, which appeared to have all the appeal of another straight to DVD Resident Evil sequel, with none of the style and mood that made Constantine successful, if only on the cult level. As near as I can tell it’s about an angel who defects from an angry god in order to protect humanity from some old-testament style wrath. A fun idea, certainly, but poorly executed.

Video games are where we’ve seen this genre really explode lately. Bayonetta is a game in which you play a gun-toting witch in an outfit so tight some considerably potent dark magic must have been needed to get in to it. Using (count ‘em) four pistols, you fight your way through increasingly bizarre heavenly creatures, all of whom have creepy gothic appearances, which all those renaissance painters somehow neglected to include.

Darksider’s is another entry. Here we learn that angels actually prefer a broadsword and head to toe medieval armor to a harp and robes. There’s some kind of apocalypse going on which pits said angels against a lineup of equally intense looking demons, and fun times ensue.

The trend continues with the new Dante’s Inferno game. I have not read the original Epic Poem, I must admit, but I can assume with some confidence that there was considerably less ass kicking.

There is in fact a point which I am slowly driving at here, and that is that all these action franchises which are based around the Judaeo-Christian religious structure require one thing to make them even remotely palatable: Tons and tons of style. That’s all there is to it. The material is already there: prophets, plagues, commandments from on high, fire and brimstone, heaven and hell, supernatural beings of unimaginable power, temptation, devotion, sacrifice. The bible would be a completely rockin’ read if not for its total lack of style! What the creators of these games and movies attempt to do is latch on to a little piece of this grandiose religion, oozing with epic potential, and slather a healthy dose of style on top of it. Strap some pistols to Bayonetta’s high heels. Give Constantine a huge gun shaped like a cross. Apply some moody lighting and hire an eccentric art director who’s seen too many old German films and you’re well on your way.

But there’s a problem. Drawing from good source material, and having a strong style are not enough. Sure that is the bare minimum to entertain, but without something more your feature is quickly forgotten as just another mindless entry in the genre. Turns out you still need to include those oft-forgotten extras, like compelling characters a well laid out story, and thematic punch to come up with something truly memorable. Some of the features I’ve discussed so far do this better than others, but I think it’s important for producers to remember that popular topics and style alone do not make for great pieces of entertainment. At best, they can be a cheap thrill, but they will never earn a permanent spot in the consumer’s heart without going the extra mile.

--Dan